Saturday 6/9/2014 11:56
Ok so where am i today? Average kinda head space i guess. Kinda avoided a relationship which is one where i would be on eggshells all of the time, which is exactly the kind of relationship i enjoy - kinda plays into my p.t.s.d. as in always heightened state, sabotaging before it goes wrong, but the biggest one was other person early in recovery, still one foot in and one foot out kinda recovery? yeah i know what your thinking ’ that ain’t recovery ’ and i agree. . it ain’t recovery but hopefully the friendship support that i have been for this person won’t get lost? I don’t think it will? We had a chat this morning and it seems to be all sorted as in we both know where we stand but kind of really ironic that i have had conversation with my therapist over me being pissed off that no-ones made a pass at me - as i am kind off blind to the subtle ways of letting me know that someone fancies me? tell me you want to shag me and i recognise that, but subtlte? haven’t got a clue on that one - what do people say in recovery? be careful what you pray for?
On a more grateful note tho i am due to start a Health and Social Care course level 2 on this coming Tuesday? feck feck feckity feck? It’s starting to get real now? Still part of a new recovery community project on a couple of days a week every week? The parallels of my active addiction and what i am doing know plus the opurtunities to do prison service or/and being part of a D.I.P. team which involves walking into a police station and out on the same day without asking for bail? BLOWS MY FECKING MIND, and all of this due to being as active in my recovery as i was in my using !
So to end this little note on a proper positive note -
Thank-you To All That Have Done Recovery And Showing Me The Way Out Of The Deep Dank And Dark Suicidle Mind Set I Was In When I Entered Into My Recovery

• LOCATION: London, England
• MOOD: Clean, Grateful, Tired to
• 31 August 2014, 21:06
  Ok so why is it that i am so shit at keeping this up to date?
  Loadsa stuff has happened since last spoke. Still clean tho and that’s the main thing innit? Don,t know why the question mark maybe because me staying clean still is not a definate given in the scheme of things.
  See that’s the worst thing about being me, it ain’t ever a given. I have to do the work and then i get the results i want to achieve, why would i think it would ever be different?
  Anyway to get up to date - got a sponsor and got to get to my fourth step and then it went completely tits up! My sponsor went away on holiday for a week and gave me his sponsor’s number so i could stay in daily contact and run things by him? sounds good so far? - so after a week of doing the whole checking in, regular service, regular meetings, daily suggestions, just for today card … etc the subject of me doing councelling for my P.T.S.D ( which was properly assessed by a competent and qualified mental health professional ) came up! (Something i take for granted maybe but i believe it is the right thing to be doing - simple you would think?).
  So we end up having a chat later that evening and my sponsor’s sponsor gives me his opinion on my mental health problem? Yeah you got it that really worked - not. The outcome of our conversation was that when my sponsor came back off holiday he was advised to respectfully drop me as a sponsee? Just as i am getting into my step four which is pretty heavy as it touches on issues that fuck with my head. So i am stuck on step four, in the problem and not the solution but i am not going out on the strength of it, in-fact my tenacious stubborness wont even consider walking out of recovery to smash myself some more. I have surrendered my addiction and i don’t want to go another few rounds with my addict. My experience shows me i need to throw the towel in the ring before i get in it to go toe to toe again. Now that’s my personal growth with the help of N.A and its principles.
  The positive thing that I have taken out of that episode of my recovery is that it gives me more chances of helping other addicts when other addicts can’t - i.e when i get to sponsor people i will not sugar coat abusing meds and self medicating but also maybe i can sponsor other addicts with P.TS.D
  You see people like that are feking dangerous for any one in recovery, but as the saying goes ’ Opinions are like arse-holes - Every ones got one.
  I believe it to be irresponsible for anyone in recovery to judge someone else’s mental health and medication, in the past i missed an appointment to see my psychiatrist and missed my prescribed meds, - which i am not abusing or using in an addicts way to avoid reality. Now sleepers that’s another story altogether, i do get huge bouts of insomnia and sleepers would give my mind and body much needed sleep, but i know that if i was having a shit day i would abuse them and self medicate, instead i get little sleep which four out of seven nights includes dreams of systematic childhood abuse nightmares, in which i end up revisiting what really happened years ago - so anyway for three weeks i missed my meds and my thought process was full of psychotic plans of revenge on my abusers and lots of self harming thoughts and even rational thinking of suicide?
  It took a few months to build up the level of meds again to even things out. People noticed and commented on my change in behaviours in meetings and were glad when things kicked in again and i became calm and manageable again
  Since that episode i have kept up my volunteering commitments, and things are going pretty well.
  Where i volunteer on a Friday evening in a recovery community i have got more responsibilities.
  I am currently enrolled on a Health and Social Care course and this coming week i will send off for my enhanced criminal record check in the full knowledge that my previous criminal activities in active addiction will actually stand me in good stead to do work as part of a D.I.P team or working as part of a team that go and do recovery in prisons, hospitals or rehabs.
  All of this is possible because of N.A. and not the opinion of some of it’s members who have forgotten how many days and not years they have in recovery,. Especially those that are not medical professionals.MUSIC: Pearl Jam

                                     Friday 18th July 2014, 22:00  - mood ? bored  - music ? The Levellers

 You see i have had one of those days classic to any addict. 

 Currently i am living in a third stage house after my year - well 361 day stint in rehab my first one,  and i am still jealous of people that get to do three or four rehabs? if they live past the first one i guess? - ( one of the guys in here is a cock, he was a cock in rehab and he is still a cock. ) but that is a minor irritation which i will have to live with for at least another 18 months.

 So anyway, woke to a txt off a beautiful woman from my old manor, whilst i was in my manor i was doing a fellowship from which all others have been born from - bearing in mind i was stoned as feck and snorting various substances maintaining to those around me i was sober ? ?  (yeah i know hindsight is a wonderful thing ), she's been really struggling but now she's doing whats suggested. So after reading txt my heads off and running planning wedding and celebrating birth of our first child ? 

 Then i do what my sponser has suggested - just for today card, daily suggestions, kind of have chat with my higher power - something i swore i'd never do in recovery? but saying that what was it that happened on saturday ? ( see previous entry ) if that wasn't higher power heebie jeebie spoooky shit then i dont know what it was.

 Started off a good day really, full of fantasy and a dash of reality when i checked in with my therapist who was stoked to see me actually see what things are really. Still blows my mind that a hopeless addict like me has a chance of doing this stuff for a living behind the prison doors?  I have walked into prison a few times but not out on the same day you see.

 It's weird living two lives in one ? 

 Still miss my daughter tho and that really hurts until i close down the emotional side of it and up comes the defenses again, stone cold ice king that no-one can hurt or upset. I hope that when i get my 18mnth keyring in 6 days i do send one to her with just a note about what the last 6 months have given me. I am expecting a backlash but i can't do nothing, maybe i'll include a note to her mum to? explaining and appologising for bein such a dick. Iguess i'll run that one by my sponser when i speack to him tomorrow?

 I am tired of the guilt, remorse and seeming futility of recovery, but i know that someone is going to benefit in the future and that is the main driving force of my recovery and for now until i like myself abit that will do for now. 

 Despite all the bitching i know it's doable because on a daily basis other addicts show me it will be ok as long as i avoid the first one, that will ultimately lead to more clusterfuck. 

 I dont want to forget how i got here and never forget how i felt 24/1/2013 the morning after my last use up - painfully suicidal - just for today i don't want to die.

take it eezzee world, sweet dreams and see you tomorrow. xxx ;-)

 

 Saturday 12/07/2014 - 23:18

   Mood - Fekin blown away!

 Ok where do i start?  You know i have been doin recovery meetings for nearly five and a half years and it has taken that long to get almost 18 months clean - with a year in rehab - and i keep hearing people say that they met someone who used like them, they saw that person in meetings so they know recovery works, ok?
 So what happens when you get recovery but not in your own hometown where you used with people ?
 I'll tell ya what happens - maybe - or rather i'll tell you whats has happened to me? !
 Tonite i am doing my usual bit of service at a local meeting - all good so far - good humble honest chair - still all good - i notice this bloke as he's sharing back? seems familiar? probably seen him in meetings? So meeting ends and this bloke comes over and says he recognizes me from somewhere but this is the first meeting he's seen me in?
 Ok this is getting fekin weird cos he looks vaquely familiar and it aint from meetings in london? Bit of panic and flashbacks kick in so he then mentions my hometown - which aint london even tho i was born here i grew up elsewhere? I grab some cups and go to the kitchen, kinda think ' fuck what am i going to do cos this dont feel good at all?'
 So i go back to meeting room and the bloke asks my last name? - FUCK WHAT HAVE I DONE IN MY ACTIVE LIFE?? FUCK?
 It turns out we were in the same kids home together at aged 14? we used to hate each other to the point of rows and kick offs most of the time or avoiding each other.
 Turns out he is 12 years clean and running the department of an agency that i want to get involved with to do recovery work behind the door - ( prison ) - FUKADOODLEDOO ! now that is some weird heebie jeebie shit right there - or in recovery speak ' higher power heebie jeebie shit '
 We then went for a curry and caught up on the last 18 years ??
 I wrote this guy off for dead? he used like me and he is sitting in front of me eating curry and telling me about his fekin allotment? ? What the fuck ? This bloke was an angry nutter like me ?
  NOW I CAN SHOUT ' PERSONALLY I HAVE MET SOMEONE WHO USED LIKE ME AND IS FUKIN CLEAN FOR TIME - MARRIED AND HAS A GREAT LIFE CLEAN !!!! '
 Thank my higher power that i kept coming back to get the reality of tonite - when i talk to my higher power tonite it's going to be emotional.
 The list of people who we grew up with that are now dead due to active addiction is long and we spoke and remembered alot together tonite in that curry house.
 Know i dont now if anyone is struggling but try and do everything you can not to be on the list of dead active addicts -
 If i die tonite i will be a dead addict but i will be a clean dead addict!
 Now thats the way to die as an addict - not with a pin in your arm or groin or foot if your veins have gone - or of a crack induced heart attack FUCK THAT DUDERS!
 I wanna die clean !

 p.s  - sorry for the emotional stuff but i am passionate and reinvigorated for recovery.
 A day at a time we are all walking miracles

psycogremlin (psycogremlin) wrote,
2014-06-11 20:41:00

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• LOCATION: London, England
• MOOD: Clean, Grateful, Tired to
• MUSIC: Pearl Jam

Well hello world, how have you been? Things here are going ok i guess. Although still no contact with family after my rehab stint? Powerless over people placees and things i guess? Well no guessing i know that to be true.
Had an ok day tho, did my first online meeting with peeps from across the pond -why does that saying go like that? Atlantic ocean is fecking big pond - any way, yeah first online meeting? Went well really, this stuff still blows me away tho, a whole world with people that think, obsese and use drugs the way i did - wow thats weird i typed that in past sense? Although i dare say that if i were to pick up today i would take off the way i did in active addiction, still miss the ability to have a quick pint and spliff to take the edge off the world. But i have firm grasp of my step one and the insanity of a quick beer - probably due to the fact that it'd always be followed by another, then another etc. . . .
I am going to apply to college to take a course in Health and Social Care to help me in the future endeavor of helping others stuck in the web of active addiction and let them know that there is a way out from the insanity.
Kinda been thinking of the stigma of addiction tho really, only 'cos i did a few one day courses around drugs, referal processes and domestic violence to get an insite on how diferent agencies in London get together to assess and help people, also because i am doing some volunteer at a drop-in, which focuses on the homeless, bottom rung of the addiction ladder.
It's weird how a bad choice here or there can label you in the eyes of the regular public in this country - unless your a celeberty? Well some of them.
 So thats my thoughts for the day and in general. Going to cook a curry now so i'll sign off till next time.
 Take it eeezzeee and be lucky. xx

TAGS: recovery and life in general, recovery blog

• LOCATION: London, England
• MOOD: awake
• MUSIC: eminem/linkin park

two weeeks later?

Well whats been going on and who gives a monkeys? Well completed my step one for my recovery, doing my 12 step through the green and gold of NA, bit more in depth but it cuts to the heart of me as an addict and i've seen it work for others that are like me in their using so why not?
My latest obsession is box sets online, currrently doing 24 series again just to catchup on the previous 8 series?
Kinda getting in abit of a rut in everyday life really, if i can get to two years clean then i can do some training for R.A.P.T which deals with recovery in prisons. Gotta be someone that can benefit from it?
Really struggling with non realationship with my daughter as she wants nothing to do with me? I hear people sharing about families in meetings and i just want to get some of them, slap them and scream how lucky they are to have families in their lives.
But i think i leave those conversations in my head and not out loud as i want to get rid of the angry persona that i've always had 'cos maybe thats a good mask to use when your using but . . when you get abit of recovery i realise that it's kinda not the best way to interact in a clean recovery world. Pain in the arse sometimes changing old habits you know?
Still got a few monthes to get to two years clean but it seems doable tho, be weird tho going into prison and walking out on the same day, never done that before, kinda walked into a few and stayed awhile, well apart from visiting mates that got themselves caught, so yeah that'll be weird.
Still single although i do have a crush on someone who is local to me meetings wise and in home location? just have to take it easy i spose? she's got a lovely french accent that sounds sooooooo ssseeeexxxxyyyy it's doing my nuts in?
Any way hope fully chat soon?
Take it eeezzeee world, be lucky be happy ;-)

TAGS: welcome

Well my saying of the day for today is ' same shit different year'.
 I have worked hard on my recovery and yet i miss being acctive so i can avoid emotional pain. So instead i am pushing through the pain and carrying on trying to rebuild my life.
 Tomorrow i am going to be helping out ( for a second week in sucession ) at a drop-in helping serve lunch and making sandwiches for still active homeless addicts. It reminds me of where i was before my stint in rehab, alone, desperate to die, hating coming to and realising the treadmill of acctive addiction was still very much there and waiting for my inevitable first step to get the thing going again - despite every fibre in my being hating the inevitable outcome.
 This last week i had got a txt off my daughter telling me that no-one wants to know anything about me or where i am today! That hurt more than the years of abuse as a child put together, as a child i could shut down and go on autopilot cos i didnt know any better, today i do know better and i haven't got the drugs to escape into and avoid this stuff that i am feeling. All i can do is get this stuff down on here so in time i can look back and read what i've done and how i've come through it and maybe, just maybe me going through stuff will give someone else the hope that despite their best thinking it is doable to get a day clean and not to act out in escaping and facing what life throws at you and being stronger for it.
 Painful as it is today with help i am choosing not to put my foot on the treadmill, thank fuck for NA and all my predecessors cos without there hard won experience and their honesty? Thank you to Bill W, Doctor Bob and by no means least Doctor William D. Silkworth, and all the people who they had in there lives who helped them achieve all that they have - wives, parents and loved ones - even tho you are no longer with us in person i know that i am not alone in saying thankyou from the depthes of my soul, you have given me a little spark of hope and i hope and pray that the spark will grow to an inferno.
 Tomorrows another day and i am going to put a little bit of good back into the world and that will give me just a bit of selfworth against the fear and shame of my past spoilt relationships and who knows? One day i might get txt off my daughter saying she is proud of the man i am becoming in recovery, well maybe? x

hello world,
Whats the best thing about recovery? being able to deal with emotional pain clean 'n' sober!
Whats the worst thing about recovery? having to deal woth emotional pain clean 'n' sober, the only thoughts that are going through my mind are using thoughts  -  then i have a horrible rational voice thats telling me what i'll loose if i use  -  then i have the fukit thought  -  then rational?  AAAAARRRRGGGHH my head is a war zone. Consequences of my past kickin me in the face and stomping on my bollox!
you see, an average jo is capable of having a couple of shots of booze to take the edge off, maybe a couple of spliffs if that floats your boat, but the reality for me is that i want a case of J.D, a crate of stella and an ounce of weed to sort out this little episode of reality, well others reality and not mine, apparently that aint recreational drug use?
 Reality is that some people dont ever get there families back in there life whilst getting recovery and thats all there is to it. All you do is dont pikup, skinup or snort up or jack up? why have i got a meercat in my mind saying ' simples?
Apart from my head tho i got to a good meeting tonite, someone who was as stubborn as i was for a while has conceeded that he can't beat his addiction on his own and is reaching out! only taken him 10yrs - so maybe i ain't that fuked up? it only took me? no hang on reality check - i needed recovery from aged 13 when it really kicked off for me, i hate that rational thinking.
 hopefully i'll get my head on the pillow clean again and tomorrow repeat what i did today, dont pickup or skinup or hit a policeman to get some physical pain to match the emotional pain?
 is there such thing as an emotional S and M club? if there is let me know. x
 sweet dreams n chat soon x

Well it's Sunday morning and it aint sunny in the weather or my head? Well it's raining in London and i want to run away from myself. I asked someone to be my sponser last week and today is the day of meeting up and agreeing the process? AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH fekin reality.
 He's 30 years clean? yeah 30 years guys and girls? Good man and humble enough to still make tea/coffee at meeting and sets meetings up?
 Yesterdays just for today quiet ironic really - being prepared to put in the footwork? i want to go back to bed and have duvet day with series of 24 to escape reality.
 Instead i'm GOING TO shower, coffee, get stepworking guide and grab live by the balls and do it? meetup, go to meeting, do service commitment, do lunch at bricklane after then do mens meeting at 7.30 and share my fear. Options i have today due to not being in active addiction?
 speak soon. x

Hello world, me again.
 Kinda had my head up my arse recently, been avoiding some recovery and now when it's painful i do something about it. Still in move on 3rd stage house after 361 days residential rehab, which saved my life and gave me a better understanding of the addicted mind. it's weird tho because now i'm bacoming aware of my complete dissociation over certain issues! Mainely childabuse and how that still affects my judgement in situations. For instance, it's coming up to mothers day so i had a cunning plan to send my adopted, abusive, mother a wreath? To me thats normal but to others it aint. Letting go when noone takes responsibility is fekin hard. But therapist said that maybe it aint such a good day for adopted mum, she adopted three kids, abused all in some form or another, we all have kids and noone will be sending her mothers day card? ? !! i never thought of it that way, so hopefully at least once a year - poss crimbo and birthday to?, her actions haunt her like they do for me daily!
 But on the flip side of my life at least this weekend i have service to do for recovery, also after meeting on sunday abit of fellowship food at bricklane as well, maybe a mens meeting to so i can once more off load this stuff, cos thats what people in recovery have taught me, - me teachable? when did that happen?, so others will keep my thoughts and actions away from dark vengeful actions?

What a day of contrasts, on the plus side i did another course today to help in my potential job as outreach / support worker.
Maintained level of anonymity, felt weird tho when presented with list of agencies and referal practices and then a hypothetical case study?? Now keep in mind my background which is colourful to say the least and yet in a so called profesional capacity i had key workers, doctor, outreach worker actually taking on board my opinions on what to do and who to refer to? ? Low self worth is a bastard, why can i not see what is natural to me when others can ? Self sabatage thats what still creeps in.
Still new day new dawn. but my journey into recovery has come at huge cost, saying that i made it when others haven't.
Today i am grateful to feel my pulse pulsing and my heart, tho bruised, is still beating.
 x sweet dreams world x

todays another day

Well hello world, i ain't got a clue if anyone has been wondering where my next blog is? but here it is.
 Had a weird bit of time really since last time, still clean 'n' sober, 13 months now? how did that happen?meetings and support i guess and a year in residential rehab, eternially grateful for the addicts that got clean before me. Still struggling with insane addict thinking and plotting my next use up?
 Had a weird one today tho, i did a drug awareness course and passed it.
 So after 35 yrs of drinking and 29 yrs of drug taking i have got certificate telling the world that i am drink and drug aware?
 Do they not know my history of substance abuse?
 It felt weird tho being in a room full of profesionals and being part of it all instead of being analyzed by them.
 I did try and suceeded in not letting anyone know that i was in recovery, not due to shame either, if anything i am proud of my recovery 'cos it aint been easy.
Still it's been a good day and i'll write more later, so good nite or good morning and more to follow. x

Well it is saturday early eve on a cold and wet evening in london. I,ve got an hour to go before opening up a struggling meeting for recovering addicts. I feel like shit, onset of cold bug thats doing the rounds at the moment, struggling between sponsers as well. Just done 4 days shy off a year in rehab, complete destruction to get me there, at least i got there tho, lots dont. Friends are relapsing which looks entertaining for my sick way of thinking. I Miss Being Wasted! Currently in third stage house for up to 2 years! How did my life turn out like this? I was premature at birth, weighed less than a bag of sugar in 1972, baby intensive care for first three month,s of my life then adopted at 6 monthes to a truely sadistic family, physical, mental and emotional torture for 12 years with sexual abuse at 12 thrown in for good measure. i have options today to get some qualifications and progress with support to live clean and sober, got therapy coming up to deal with p.t.s.d - which explains why i am the way i am as a person,
Anyway more soon, off to meeting