• LOCATION: London, England
• MOOD: awake
• MUSIC: eminem/linkin park

two weeeks later?

Well whats been going on and who gives a monkeys? Well completed my step one for my recovery, doing my 12 step through the green and gold of NA, bit more in depth but it cuts to the heart of me as an addict and i've seen it work for others that are like me in their using so why not?
My latest obsession is box sets online, currrently doing 24 series again just to catchup on the previous 8 series?
Kinda getting in abit of a rut in everyday life really, if i can get to two years clean then i can do some training for R.A.P.T which deals with recovery in prisons. Gotta be someone that can benefit from it?
Really struggling with non realationship with my daughter as she wants nothing to do with me? I hear people sharing about families in meetings and i just want to get some of them, slap them and scream how lucky they are to have families in their lives.
But i think i leave those conversations in my head and not out loud as i want to get rid of the angry persona that i've always had 'cos maybe thats a good mask to use when your using but . . when you get abit of recovery i realise that it's kinda not the best way to interact in a clean recovery world. Pain in the arse sometimes changing old habits you know?
Still got a few monthes to get to two years clean but it seems doable tho, be weird tho going into prison and walking out on the same day, never done that before, kinda walked into a few and stayed awhile, well apart from visiting mates that got themselves caught, so yeah that'll be weird.
Still single although i do have a crush on someone who is local to me meetings wise and in home location? just have to take it easy i spose? she's got a lovely french accent that sounds sooooooo ssseeeexxxxyyyy it's doing my nuts in?
Any way hope fully chat soon?
Take it eeezzeee world, be lucky be happy ;-)

TAGS: welcome

Well my saying of the day for today is ' same shit different year'.
 I have worked hard on my recovery and yet i miss being acctive so i can avoid emotional pain. So instead i am pushing through the pain and carrying on trying to rebuild my life.
 Tomorrow i am going to be helping out ( for a second week in sucession ) at a drop-in helping serve lunch and making sandwiches for still active homeless addicts. It reminds me of where i was before my stint in rehab, alone, desperate to die, hating coming to and realising the treadmill of acctive addiction was still very much there and waiting for my inevitable first step to get the thing going again - despite every fibre in my being hating the inevitable outcome.
 This last week i had got a txt off my daughter telling me that no-one wants to know anything about me or where i am today! That hurt more than the years of abuse as a child put together, as a child i could shut down and go on autopilot cos i didnt know any better, today i do know better and i haven't got the drugs to escape into and avoid this stuff that i am feeling. All i can do is get this stuff down on here so in time i can look back and read what i've done and how i've come through it and maybe, just maybe me going through stuff will give someone else the hope that despite their best thinking it is doable to get a day clean and not to act out in escaping and facing what life throws at you and being stronger for it.
 Painful as it is today with help i am choosing not to put my foot on the treadmill, thank fuck for NA and all my predecessors cos without there hard won experience and their honesty? Thank you to Bill W, Doctor Bob and by no means least Doctor William D. Silkworth, and all the people who they had in there lives who helped them achieve all that they have - wives, parents and loved ones - even tho you are no longer with us in person i know that i am not alone in saying thankyou from the depthes of my soul, you have given me a little spark of hope and i hope and pray that the spark will grow to an inferno.
 Tomorrows another day and i am going to put a little bit of good back into the world and that will give me just a bit of selfworth against the fear and shame of my past spoilt relationships and who knows? One day i might get txt off my daughter saying she is proud of the man i am becoming in recovery, well maybe? x

hello world,
Whats the best thing about recovery? being able to deal with emotional pain clean 'n' sober!
Whats the worst thing about recovery? having to deal woth emotional pain clean 'n' sober, the only thoughts that are going through my mind are using thoughts  -  then i have a horrible rational voice thats telling me what i'll loose if i use  -  then i have the fukit thought  -  then rational?  AAAAARRRRGGGHH my head is a war zone. Consequences of my past kickin me in the face and stomping on my bollox!
you see, an average jo is capable of having a couple of shots of booze to take the edge off, maybe a couple of spliffs if that floats your boat, but the reality for me is that i want a case of J.D, a crate of stella and an ounce of weed to sort out this little episode of reality, well others reality and not mine, apparently that aint recreational drug use?
 Reality is that some people dont ever get there families back in there life whilst getting recovery and thats all there is to it. All you do is dont pikup, skinup or snort up or jack up? why have i got a meercat in my mind saying ' simples?
Apart from my head tho i got to a good meeting tonite, someone who was as stubborn as i was for a while has conceeded that he can't beat his addiction on his own and is reaching out! only taken him 10yrs - so maybe i ain't that fuked up? it only took me? no hang on reality check - i needed recovery from aged 13 when it really kicked off for me, i hate that rational thinking.
 hopefully i'll get my head on the pillow clean again and tomorrow repeat what i did today, dont pickup or skinup or hit a policeman to get some physical pain to match the emotional pain?
 is there such thing as an emotional S and M club? if there is let me know. x
 sweet dreams n chat soon x

Well it's Sunday morning and it aint sunny in the weather or my head? Well it's raining in London and i want to run away from myself. I asked someone to be my sponser last week and today is the day of meeting up and agreeing the process? AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH fekin reality.
 He's 30 years clean? yeah 30 years guys and girls? Good man and humble enough to still make tea/coffee at meeting and sets meetings up?
 Yesterdays just for today quiet ironic really - being prepared to put in the footwork? i want to go back to bed and have duvet day with series of 24 to escape reality.
 Instead i'm GOING TO shower, coffee, get stepworking guide and grab live by the balls and do it? meetup, go to meeting, do service commitment, do lunch at bricklane after then do mens meeting at 7.30 and share my fear. Options i have today due to not being in active addiction?
 speak soon. x

Hello world, me again.
 Kinda had my head up my arse recently, been avoiding some recovery and now when it's painful i do something about it. Still in move on 3rd stage house after 361 days residential rehab, which saved my life and gave me a better understanding of the addicted mind. it's weird tho because now i'm bacoming aware of my complete dissociation over certain issues! Mainely childabuse and how that still affects my judgement in situations. For instance, it's coming up to mothers day so i had a cunning plan to send my adopted, abusive, mother a wreath? To me thats normal but to others it aint. Letting go when noone takes responsibility is fekin hard. But therapist said that maybe it aint such a good day for adopted mum, she adopted three kids, abused all in some form or another, we all have kids and noone will be sending her mothers day card? ? !! i never thought of it that way, so hopefully at least once a year - poss crimbo and birthday to?, her actions haunt her like they do for me daily!
 But on the flip side of my life at least this weekend i have service to do for recovery, also after meeting on sunday abit of fellowship food at bricklane as well, maybe a mens meeting to so i can once more off load this stuff, cos thats what people in recovery have taught me, - me teachable? when did that happen?, so others will keep my thoughts and actions away from dark vengeful actions?

What a day of contrasts, on the plus side i did another course today to help in my potential job as outreach / support worker.
Maintained level of anonymity, felt weird tho when presented with list of agencies and referal practices and then a hypothetical case study?? Now keep in mind my background which is colourful to say the least and yet in a so called profesional capacity i had key workers, doctor, outreach worker actually taking on board my opinions on what to do and who to refer to? ? Low self worth is a bastard, why can i not see what is natural to me when others can ? Self sabatage thats what still creeps in.
Still new day new dawn. but my journey into recovery has come at huge cost, saying that i made it when others haven't.
Today i am grateful to feel my pulse pulsing and my heart, tho bruised, is still beating.
 x sweet dreams world x

todays another day

Well hello world, i ain't got a clue if anyone has been wondering where my next blog is? but here it is.
 Had a weird bit of time really since last time, still clean 'n' sober, 13 months now? how did that happen?meetings and support i guess and a year in residential rehab, eternially grateful for the addicts that got clean before me. Still struggling with insane addict thinking and plotting my next use up?
 Had a weird one today tho, i did a drug awareness course and passed it.
 So after 35 yrs of drinking and 29 yrs of drug taking i have got certificate telling the world that i am drink and drug aware?
 Do they not know my history of substance abuse?
 It felt weird tho being in a room full of profesionals and being part of it all instead of being analyzed by them.
 I did try and suceeded in not letting anyone know that i was in recovery, not due to shame either, if anything i am proud of my recovery 'cos it aint been easy.
Still it's been a good day and i'll write more later, so good nite or good morning and more to follow. x