16/1/2016.
So i get my second black key ring in a weeks time? This will mean going back to my old playground of 30 odd years to get in a couple of meetings, lunch time and evening meeting. Wow it will have been a year since i was last there and it has flown by.
Since i was last in my hometown i have completed my level two BTEC in Health and Social Care and i am half way through the first year of level three BTEC in Health and Social Care? I guess i only got through level 2 with support from the tutors - i kinda had to deal with a death of a friend with a few months to go before the end and it really twisted my head, to the point of sabotaging and duvet diving for awhile. But i managed seven assignments over five days and got them in? Unfortunately they were capped at a pass, but it was enough to complete the course and apparently because academically i am more than capable of doing level three and more i got accepted for the next level! Still struggle with positive affirmation.
So for this year i have handed in assignments on time, so far, but instead of chasing a deadline from here on in i will be getting the drafts done so i can get feed back, instead of just handing it in.
Been getting abit of grif off the social tho so i need to sort that on monday or get sanctioned for being in college whilst trying to avoid ever having to sign on again. Thing is i have taken out a £4,633 loan to do the first year and for the second year it will be the same, maybe abit more and if i leave the course now i still have to pay that back? So it seems a no brainer really? get decent paid within rehabs or a job within addiction circles qualified and with life experience, may even up doing counselling degree after this? or work in KFC and start using again or growing weed to increase financial stability?
Finally got my P.T.S.D. diagnosis recognised by an appeal hearing last september, after fighting the social for two years on that one, so at least my ways of coping make sense to me know. With the ending of two years worth of therapy the week after next i have got some understanding of my past and recognition that childhood didn't really help with my addictions but continuing in recovery stops me from acting out - i still miss using, not sure whether it;s the process or the using itself? At least i don't feel like i did a few years ago tho - and for that i am truely grateful.

Linkin park ft Busta Rhymes - We Made It

Linkin park ft Busta Rhymes - We Made It

looks like i made it to 2 and half years clean, to my doubters i would say fuck you very much but i didn't leave any options but doubt - i guess that's on me but my future i will do to spite you and your doubting that you voice now.

thankyou for pissing me off so i can turn it into stubborn tenacious resolve to piss you off by staying clean

fricking insomnia!

Well hello world, kinda feeling distant in recovery. Felt like this for awhile, i am having therapy for childhood issues which range from physical beatings by my adoptive mother - she was a complete cunt psycho bitch, she used to give subtle clues to impending beatings by chewing the corner of her lip, when we saw that we knew it was countdown to pain. I think that the therapy is bringing it all back and i haven't even started on the sexual abuse yet, in fact it is only C.B.T. at the moment until the trauma based stuff comes in when my appointment comes through - oh the joy of recalling being part of a ring of abusers, some of whom my adopted mother knew? social workers and people who ran the cubs n scout movement who also fostered other kids to? some are still alive n fucked n others who are dead due to addiction.
Because step four includes resentments with people i have felt the need to put step work on hold - hence feeling distant from recovery. All i am hearing at the moment is how good people feel for doing the steps n i feel fucked, jealous n alone? I don't feel able to share where i am at n if i do the meeting goes so quiet you can hear people breathing?
Options are to carry on as best i can with service, reaching out to newcomers, carry on with my college course, maintain contact with my daughter clean or use, end up in a tent again and kill myself or just kill myself? Decisions decisions - ?
The worst of it is tho the courses i am doing will lead me to work with young adults who have turned to addiction to resolve their issues - exactly what i did? So to be authentic n be the real deal i have to go through the fucking process to be of best use to them? That is the only thing that is keeping me going through this time n it fucking hurts.
Feel like a one armed man hanging off the edge of a cliff with an itchy arsehole - do i let go n scratch the itch or hang on till the itch goes or becomes bearable? 
Fuckit another day clean.
sweet dreams world dont give into the nightmares n carry on spinning :-/ x

             January 23rd 2015, 01:55. Mood - caffeinated. Music - I Need Rehab - ironic
Just got my first black key ring, which don't mean a thing to everyday bods, but if you do recovery you will no what that is?
Two years clean from active addiction, feeling healthier than i was and college is going good - so good it is weirding me out.
Frickin insomnia, my nerves are going, gave my daughter heads up on me being back in my playground for the day, ( just in case her mum wigs out if she sees me - don't want her crashing car and injuring herself ) 8 hrs time i will be at Liverpool street waiting for train to leave. gonna do myself two mixed fruit blends to go and a flask of strong espresso black to make sure i don't feel anything but wired, and Stephen king firestarter with all three Eminem/linkin park collision course albums in my ears. the bonus will be coming back to London and a fellowship who has walked me every step of the last two years. might even speak to my spon about getting started on steps 2 -11, the ones i have missed out? i can recover and embrace the little lunatic in my head and coexist with it rather than being it. sweet dreams world, keep on spinning. ;-) xx

                          January 19th 2015, mood - tired.  Music - Style Council greatest hits.
Well what a day of nothingness, Got appointment with head doctor tomorrow to sort out what kind of trauma based therapy is on offer to me? Fucksake i don't see why they don't just hypnotize me and with a click of fingers all done and forgotten - but no apparently gotta go through the emotions and feelings it is going to bring up.
I have this knack of boxing things up and not attaching any emotions to my childhood, it's as if i view it in third person kinda thing, i know it happened but it's easier viewing it that way - apparently that's the dissociation part of p.t.s.d kicking in as a comping mechanism or my brain will fry?
Any way on the plus side of things i have booked my ticket to go to Colchester for the day on Friday 23rd to get my two year chip in feelings meeting, gonna be bit emotional i guess. Haven't been back to my manor for the two years that's connected with rehab and third stage house? Shitting it really, gotta watch the triggers - going with old sponsor tho so no plans to use, got it covered pretty much, surrounding myself with recovery people for the day so heres hoping no fuckups.
College tomorrow so routine for three days till then as well as meeting before area, couple of other meetings to, so another day clean. going to chill know before falling asleep with the never ending nightmares and fubar dreams. Got used to them over last 35 years, still mess with my head tho.
 Oh well shit happens and then the dawn breaks on a new day full of clean opportunities.
 Sweet dreams world, take it eeezzeee n keep on spinning. Nite xx

                                                    January 18th 2015, 02.45  
                                       Mood - Knackered.  Music - f oo Fighters

Right new years resolution ruined already, had kinda planned to blog everyday but as it is the 18th Jan guess that's a pile of shite?
Better late than never i guess?
So whats up ?
At last i have meeting with clinical psychologist to discuss trauma based therapy and my arse is going?
6 days off two years clean n just made deal with new spon to contact him every other day at 5 pm? I had to make myself speak to him and shake on it as leaving it up to me it aint going to get done?
Really gotta force myself to do this as a couple of new comers asked me about sponsorship - with a hint of ' do you sponsor men? ' they are obviously sicker than they realize? or is that just me being deflective to any good people see in me?
College is going good - completed two out of twelve units and passed both with distinction? Which means if i can get three more with merits and two more with distinctions i have passed the course and i can get a diploma in level 2 health and social care with poss job with R.A.P.T in August - mush i will be walking in and out of prisons on a daily basis and get paid for it - and no screws will be chasing me down to get me back behind the door? Blows me away even thinking about it, walked into a few prisons but never out on the same day - bar visiting mates serving time.
Still single which is cool cos i aint met my match in recovery - although i do have a few admirers? Sick bunnies the lot of 'em, Kinda got abit of respect from recovering addicts though as i do service at all levels up to area. Just finished one commitment so may need to replace it with another? Maybe in different area of London?
Kind of avoided a relationship recently that wouldn't be healthy as person is early doors and has habit of relapsing every couple of month's? Not pretty to see or hear the nasty side of her, reminds me of someone in my childhood that i have difficulty acknowledging as being alive.
Made two calls to my daughter over Christmas/ birthday and it didn't go to bad - well she didn't hang up before calling me a cunt - which she would be entitled to do i guess, harsh clean reality of active addiction is still hard to face but hopefully with the ten steps between 1 -12 i should be able to make proper amends - well if it works for others why can it not work for me? But in reality at least i had weekends with my daughter which i know alot of dads don't get.
So to rap it up i am grateful for the time shared when she was younger and the bed time stories i read her.
  Another day clean thanks to Bill W and Doctor Bob and William D Silkworth with his crazy allergy theory? And to a fellowship of recovering addicts.
 Sweet Dreams World, Take it eeezzeee and keep on spinning

Saturday 6/9/2014 11:56
Ok so where am i today? Average kinda head space i guess. Kinda avoided a relationship which is one where i would be on eggshells all of the time, which is exactly the kind of relationship i enjoy - kinda plays into my p.t.s.d. as in always heightened state, sabotaging before it goes wrong, but the biggest one was other person early in recovery, still one foot in and one foot out kinda recovery? yeah i know what your thinking ’ that ain’t recovery ’ and i agree. . it ain’t recovery but hopefully the friendship support that i have been for this person won’t get lost? I don’t think it will? We had a chat this morning and it seems to be all sorted as in we both know where we stand but kind of really ironic that i have had conversation with my therapist over me being pissed off that no-ones made a pass at me - as i am kind off blind to the subtle ways of letting me know that someone fancies me? tell me you want to shag me and i recognise that, but subtlte? haven’t got a clue on that one - what do people say in recovery? be careful what you pray for?
On a more grateful note tho i am due to start a Health and Social Care course level 2 on this coming Tuesday? feck feck feckity feck? It’s starting to get real now? Still part of a new recovery community project on a couple of days a week every week? The parallels of my active addiction and what i am doing know plus the opurtunities to do prison service or/and being part of a D.I.P. team which involves walking into a police station and out on the same day without asking for bail? BLOWS MY FECKING MIND, and all of this due to being as active in my recovery as i was in my using !
So to end this little note on a proper positive note -
Thank-you To All That Have Done Recovery And Showing Me The Way Out Of The Deep Dank And Dark Suicidle Mind Set I Was In When I Entered Into My Recovery