January 23rd 2015, 01:55. Mood - caffeinated. Music - I Need Rehab - ironic
Just got my first black key ring, which don't mean a thing to everyday bods, but if you do recovery you will no what that is?
Two years clean from active addiction, feeling healthier than i was and college is going good - so good it is weirding me out.
Frickin insomnia, my nerves are going, gave my daughter heads up on me being back in my playground for the day, ( just in case her mum wigs out if she sees me - don't want her crashing car and injuring herself ) 8 hrs time i will be at Liverpool street waiting for train to leave. gonna do myself two mixed fruit blends to go and a flask of strong espresso black to make sure i don't feel anything but wired, and Stephen king firestarter with all three Eminem/linkin park collision course albums in my ears. the bonus will be coming back to London and a fellowship who has walked me every step of the last two years. might even speak to my spon about getting started on steps 2 -11, the ones i have missed out? i can recover and embrace the little lunatic in my head and coexist with it rather than being it. sweet dreams world, keep on spinning. ;-) xx

                          January 19th 2015, mood - tired.  Music - Style Council greatest hits.
Well what a day of nothingness, Got appointment with head doctor tomorrow to sort out what kind of trauma based therapy is on offer to me? Fucksake i don't see why they don't just hypnotize me and with a click of fingers all done and forgotten - but no apparently gotta go through the emotions and feelings it is going to bring up.
I have this knack of boxing things up and not attaching any emotions to my childhood, it's as if i view it in third person kinda thing, i know it happened but it's easier viewing it that way - apparently that's the dissociation part of p.t.s.d kicking in as a comping mechanism or my brain will fry?
Any way on the plus side of things i have booked my ticket to go to Colchester for the day on Friday 23rd to get my two year chip in feelings meeting, gonna be bit emotional i guess. Haven't been back to my manor for the two years that's connected with rehab and third stage house? Shitting it really, gotta watch the triggers - going with old sponsor tho so no plans to use, got it covered pretty much, surrounding myself with recovery people for the day so heres hoping no fuckups.
College tomorrow so routine for three days till then as well as meeting before area, couple of other meetings to, so another day clean. going to chill know before falling asleep with the never ending nightmares and fubar dreams. Got used to them over last 35 years, still mess with my head tho.
 Oh well shit happens and then the dawn breaks on a new day full of clean opportunities.
 Sweet dreams world, take it eeezzeee n keep on spinning. Nite xx

                                                    January 18th 2015, 02.45  
                                       Mood - Knackered.  Music - f oo Fighters

Right new years resolution ruined already, had kinda planned to blog everyday but as it is the 18th Jan guess that's a pile of shite?
Better late than never i guess?
So whats up ?
At last i have meeting with clinical psychologist to discuss trauma based therapy and my arse is going?
6 days off two years clean n just made deal with new spon to contact him every other day at 5 pm? I had to make myself speak to him and shake on it as leaving it up to me it aint going to get done?
Really gotta force myself to do this as a couple of new comers asked me about sponsorship - with a hint of ' do you sponsor men? ' they are obviously sicker than they realize? or is that just me being deflective to any good people see in me?
College is going good - completed two out of twelve units and passed both with distinction? Which means if i can get three more with merits and two more with distinctions i have passed the course and i can get a diploma in level 2 health and social care with poss job with R.A.P.T in August - mush i will be walking in and out of prisons on a daily basis and get paid for it - and no screws will be chasing me down to get me back behind the door? Blows me away even thinking about it, walked into a few prisons but never out on the same day - bar visiting mates serving time.
Still single which is cool cos i aint met my match in recovery - although i do have a few admirers? Sick bunnies the lot of 'em, Kinda got abit of respect from recovering addicts though as i do service at all levels up to area. Just finished one commitment so may need to replace it with another? Maybe in different area of London?
Kind of avoided a relationship recently that wouldn't be healthy as person is early doors and has habit of relapsing every couple of month's? Not pretty to see or hear the nasty side of her, reminds me of someone in my childhood that i have difficulty acknowledging as being alive.
Made two calls to my daughter over Christmas/ birthday and it didn't go to bad - well she didn't hang up before calling me a cunt - which she would be entitled to do i guess, harsh clean reality of active addiction is still hard to face but hopefully with the ten steps between 1 -12 i should be able to make proper amends - well if it works for others why can it not work for me? But in reality at least i had weekends with my daughter which i know alot of dads don't get.
So to rap it up i am grateful for the time shared when she was younger and the bed time stories i read her.
  Another day clean thanks to Bill W and Doctor Bob and William D Silkworth with his crazy allergy theory? And to a fellowship of recovering addicts.
 Sweet Dreams World, Take it eeezzeee and keep on spinning

Saturday 6/9/2014 11:56
Ok so where am i today? Average kinda head space i guess. Kinda avoided a relationship which is one where i would be on eggshells all of the time, which is exactly the kind of relationship i enjoy - kinda plays into my p.t.s.d. as in always heightened state, sabotaging before it goes wrong, but the biggest one was other person early in recovery, still one foot in and one foot out kinda recovery? yeah i know what your thinking ’ that ain’t recovery ’ and i agree. . it ain’t recovery but hopefully the friendship support that i have been for this person won’t get lost? I don’t think it will? We had a chat this morning and it seems to be all sorted as in we both know where we stand but kind of really ironic that i have had conversation with my therapist over me being pissed off that no-ones made a pass at me - as i am kind off blind to the subtle ways of letting me know that someone fancies me? tell me you want to shag me and i recognise that, but subtlte? haven’t got a clue on that one - what do people say in recovery? be careful what you pray for?
On a more grateful note tho i am due to start a Health and Social Care course level 2 on this coming Tuesday? feck feck feckity feck? It’s starting to get real now? Still part of a new recovery community project on a couple of days a week every week? The parallels of my active addiction and what i am doing know plus the opurtunities to do prison service or/and being part of a D.I.P. team which involves walking into a police station and out on the same day without asking for bail? BLOWS MY FECKING MIND, and all of this due to being as active in my recovery as i was in my using !
So to end this little note on a proper positive note -
Thank-you To All That Have Done Recovery And Showing Me The Way Out Of The Deep Dank And Dark Suicidle Mind Set I Was In When I Entered Into My Recovery

• LOCATION: London, England
• MOOD: Clean, Grateful, Tired to
• 31 August 2014, 21:06
  Ok so why is it that i am so shit at keeping this up to date?
  Loadsa stuff has happened since last spoke. Still clean tho and that’s the main thing innit? Don,t know why the question mark maybe because me staying clean still is not a definate given in the scheme of things.
  See that’s the worst thing about being me, it ain’t ever a given. I have to do the work and then i get the results i want to achieve, why would i think it would ever be different?
  Anyway to get up to date - got a sponsor and got to get to my fourth step and then it went completely tits up! My sponsor went away on holiday for a week and gave me his sponsor’s number so i could stay in daily contact and run things by him? sounds good so far? - so after a week of doing the whole checking in, regular service, regular meetings, daily suggestions, just for today card … etc the subject of me doing councelling for my P.T.S.D ( which was properly assessed by a competent and qualified mental health professional ) came up! (Something i take for granted maybe but i believe it is the right thing to be doing - simple you would think?).
  So we end up having a chat later that evening and my sponsor’s sponsor gives me his opinion on my mental health problem? Yeah you got it that really worked - not. The outcome of our conversation was that when my sponsor came back off holiday he was advised to respectfully drop me as a sponsee? Just as i am getting into my step four which is pretty heavy as it touches on issues that fuck with my head. So i am stuck on step four, in the problem and not the solution but i am not going out on the strength of it, in-fact my tenacious stubborness wont even consider walking out of recovery to smash myself some more. I have surrendered my addiction and i don’t want to go another few rounds with my addict. My experience shows me i need to throw the towel in the ring before i get in it to go toe to toe again. Now that’s my personal growth with the help of N.A and its principles.
  The positive thing that I have taken out of that episode of my recovery is that it gives me more chances of helping other addicts when other addicts can’t - i.e when i get to sponsor people i will not sugar coat abusing meds and self medicating but also maybe i can sponsor other addicts with P.TS.D
  You see people like that are feking dangerous for any one in recovery, but as the saying goes ’ Opinions are like arse-holes - Every ones got one.
  I believe it to be irresponsible for anyone in recovery to judge someone else’s mental health and medication, in the past i missed an appointment to see my psychiatrist and missed my prescribed meds, - which i am not abusing or using in an addicts way to avoid reality. Now sleepers that’s another story altogether, i do get huge bouts of insomnia and sleepers would give my mind and body much needed sleep, but i know that if i was having a shit day i would abuse them and self medicate, instead i get little sleep which four out of seven nights includes dreams of systematic childhood abuse nightmares, in which i end up revisiting what really happened years ago - so anyway for three weeks i missed my meds and my thought process was full of psychotic plans of revenge on my abusers and lots of self harming thoughts and even rational thinking of suicide?
  It took a few months to build up the level of meds again to even things out. People noticed and commented on my change in behaviours in meetings and were glad when things kicked in again and i became calm and manageable again
  Since that episode i have kept up my volunteering commitments, and things are going pretty well.
  Where i volunteer on a Friday evening in a recovery community i have got more responsibilities.
  I am currently enrolled on a Health and Social Care course and this coming week i will send off for my enhanced criminal record check in the full knowledge that my previous criminal activities in active addiction will actually stand me in good stead to do work as part of a D.I.P team or working as part of a team that go and do recovery in prisons, hospitals or rehabs.
  All of this is possible because of N.A. and not the opinion of some of it’s members who have forgotten how many days and not years they have in recovery,. Especially those that are not medical professionals.MUSIC: Pearl Jam

                                     Friday 18th July 2014, 22:00  - mood ? bored  - music ? The Levellers

 You see i have had one of those days classic to any addict. 

 Currently i am living in a third stage house after my year - well 361 day stint in rehab my first one,  and i am still jealous of people that get to do three or four rehabs? if they live past the first one i guess? - ( one of the guys in here is a cock, he was a cock in rehab and he is still a cock. ) but that is a minor irritation which i will have to live with for at least another 18 months.

 So anyway, woke to a txt off a beautiful woman from my old manor, whilst i was in my manor i was doing a fellowship from which all others have been born from - bearing in mind i was stoned as feck and snorting various substances maintaining to those around me i was sober ? ?  (yeah i know hindsight is a wonderful thing ), she's been really struggling but now she's doing whats suggested. So after reading txt my heads off and running planning wedding and celebrating birth of our first child ? 

 Then i do what my sponser has suggested - just for today card, daily suggestions, kind of have chat with my higher power - something i swore i'd never do in recovery? but saying that what was it that happened on saturday ? ( see previous entry ) if that wasn't higher power heebie jeebie spoooky shit then i dont know what it was.

 Started off a good day really, full of fantasy and a dash of reality when i checked in with my therapist who was stoked to see me actually see what things are really. Still blows my mind that a hopeless addict like me has a chance of doing this stuff for a living behind the prison doors?  I have walked into prison a few times but not out on the same day you see.

 It's weird living two lives in one ? 

 Still miss my daughter tho and that really hurts until i close down the emotional side of it and up comes the defenses again, stone cold ice king that no-one can hurt or upset. I hope that when i get my 18mnth keyring in 6 days i do send one to her with just a note about what the last 6 months have given me. I am expecting a backlash but i can't do nothing, maybe i'll include a note to her mum to? explaining and appologising for bein such a dick. Iguess i'll run that one by my sponser when i speack to him tomorrow?

 I am tired of the guilt, remorse and seeming futility of recovery, but i know that someone is going to benefit in the future and that is the main driving force of my recovery and for now until i like myself abit that will do for now. 

 Despite all the bitching i know it's doable because on a daily basis other addicts show me it will be ok as long as i avoid the first one, that will ultimately lead to more clusterfuck. 

 I dont want to forget how i got here and never forget how i felt 24/1/2013 the morning after my last use up - painfully suicidal - just for today i don't want to die.

take it eezzee world, sweet dreams and see you tomorrow. xxx ;-)

 

 Saturday 12/07/2014 - 23:18

   Mood - Fekin blown away!

 Ok where do i start?  You know i have been doin recovery meetings for nearly five and a half years and it has taken that long to get almost 18 months clean - with a year in rehab - and i keep hearing people say that they met someone who used like them, they saw that person in meetings so they know recovery works, ok?
 So what happens when you get recovery but not in your own hometown where you used with people ?
 I'll tell ya what happens - maybe - or rather i'll tell you whats has happened to me? !
 Tonite i am doing my usual bit of service at a local meeting - all good so far - good humble honest chair - still all good - i notice this bloke as he's sharing back? seems familiar? probably seen him in meetings? So meeting ends and this bloke comes over and says he recognizes me from somewhere but this is the first meeting he's seen me in?
 Ok this is getting fekin weird cos he looks vaquely familiar and it aint from meetings in london? Bit of panic and flashbacks kick in so he then mentions my hometown - which aint london even tho i was born here i grew up elsewhere? I grab some cups and go to the kitchen, kinda think ' fuck what am i going to do cos this dont feel good at all?'
 So i go back to meeting room and the bloke asks my last name? - FUCK WHAT HAVE I DONE IN MY ACTIVE LIFE?? FUCK?
 It turns out we were in the same kids home together at aged 14? we used to hate each other to the point of rows and kick offs most of the time or avoiding each other.
 Turns out he is 12 years clean and running the department of an agency that i want to get involved with to do recovery work behind the door - ( prison ) - FUKADOODLEDOO ! now that is some weird heebie jeebie shit right there - or in recovery speak ' higher power heebie jeebie shit '
 We then went for a curry and caught up on the last 18 years ??
 I wrote this guy off for dead? he used like me and he is sitting in front of me eating curry and telling me about his fekin allotment? ? What the fuck ? This bloke was an angry nutter like me ?
  NOW I CAN SHOUT ' PERSONALLY I HAVE MET SOMEONE WHO USED LIKE ME AND IS FUKIN CLEAN FOR TIME - MARRIED AND HAS A GREAT LIFE CLEAN !!!! '
 Thank my higher power that i kept coming back to get the reality of tonite - when i talk to my higher power tonite it's going to be emotional.
 The list of people who we grew up with that are now dead due to active addiction is long and we spoke and remembered alot together tonite in that curry house.
 Know i dont now if anyone is struggling but try and do everything you can not to be on the list of dead active addicts -
 If i die tonite i will be a dead addict but i will be a clean dead addict!
 Now thats the way to die as an addict - not with a pin in your arm or groin or foot if your veins have gone - or of a crack induced heart attack FUCK THAT DUDERS!
 I wanna die clean !

 p.s  - sorry for the emotional stuff but i am passionate and reinvigorated for recovery.
 A day at a time we are all walking miracles