hello world,
Whats the best thing about recovery? being able to deal with emotional pain clean 'n' sober!
Whats the worst thing about recovery? having to deal woth emotional pain clean 'n' sober, the only thoughts that are going through my mind are using thoughts  -  then i have a horrible rational voice thats telling me what i'll loose if i use  -  then i have the fukit thought  -  then rational?  AAAAARRRRGGGHH my head is a war zone. Consequences of my past kickin me in the face and stomping on my bollox!
you see, an average jo is capable of having a couple of shots of booze to take the edge off, maybe a couple of spliffs if that floats your boat, but the reality for me is that i want a case of J.D, a crate of stella and an ounce of weed to sort out this little episode of reality, well others reality and not mine, apparently that aint recreational drug use?
 Reality is that some people dont ever get there families back in there life whilst getting recovery and thats all there is to it. All you do is dont pikup, skinup or snort up or jack up? why have i got a meercat in my mind saying ' simples?
Apart from my head tho i got to a good meeting tonite, someone who was as stubborn as i was for a while has conceeded that he can't beat his addiction on his own and is reaching out! only taken him 10yrs - so maybe i ain't that fuked up? it only took me? no hang on reality check - i needed recovery from aged 13 when it really kicked off for me, i hate that rational thinking.
 hopefully i'll get my head on the pillow clean again and tomorrow repeat what i did today, dont pickup or skinup or hit a policeman to get some physical pain to match the emotional pain?
 is there such thing as an emotional S and M club? if there is let me know. x
 sweet dreams n chat soon x

Well it's Sunday morning and it aint sunny in the weather or my head? Well it's raining in London and i want to run away from myself. I asked someone to be my sponser last week and today is the day of meeting up and agreeing the process? AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH fekin reality.
 He's 30 years clean? yeah 30 years guys and girls? Good man and humble enough to still make tea/coffee at meeting and sets meetings up?
 Yesterdays just for today quiet ironic really - being prepared to put in the footwork? i want to go back to bed and have duvet day with series of 24 to escape reality.
 Instead i'm GOING TO shower, coffee, get stepworking guide and grab live by the balls and do it? meetup, go to meeting, do service commitment, do lunch at bricklane after then do mens meeting at 7.30 and share my fear. Options i have today due to not being in active addiction?
 speak soon. x