Friday 18th July 2014, 22:00  - mood ? bored  - music ? The Levellers

 You see i have had one of those days classic to any addict. 

 Currently i am living in a third stage house after my year - well 361 day stint in rehab my first one,  and i am still jealous of people that get to do three or four rehabs? if they live past the first one i guess? - ( one of the guys in here is a cock, he was a cock in rehab and he is still a cock. ) but that is a minor irritation which i will have to live with for at least another 18 months.

 So anyway, woke to a txt off a beautiful woman from my old manor, whilst i was in my manor i was doing a fellowship from which all others have been born from - bearing in mind i was stoned as feck and snorting various substances maintaining to those around me i was sober ? ?  (yeah i know hindsight is a wonderful thing ), she's been really struggling but now she's doing whats suggested. So after reading txt my heads off and running planning wedding and celebrating birth of our first child ? 

 Then i do what my sponser has suggested - just for today card, daily suggestions, kind of have chat with my higher power - something i swore i'd never do in recovery? but saying that what was it that happened on saturday ? ( see previous entry ) if that wasn't higher power heebie jeebie spoooky shit then i dont know what it was.

 Started off a good day really, full of fantasy and a dash of reality when i checked in with my therapist who was stoked to see me actually see what things are really. Still blows my mind that a hopeless addict like me has a chance of doing this stuff for a living behind the prison doors?  I have walked into prison a few times but not out on the same day you see.

 It's weird living two lives in one ? 

 Still miss my daughter tho and that really hurts until i close down the emotional side of it and up comes the defenses again, stone cold ice king that no-one can hurt or upset. I hope that when i get my 18mnth keyring in 6 days i do send one to her with just a note about what the last 6 months have given me. I am expecting a backlash but i can't do nothing, maybe i'll include a note to her mum to? explaining and appologising for bein such a dick. Iguess i'll run that one by my sponser when i speack to him tomorrow?

 I am tired of the guilt, remorse and seeming futility of recovery, but i know that someone is going to benefit in the future and that is the main driving force of my recovery and for now until i like myself abit that will do for now. 

 Despite all the bitching i know it's doable because on a daily basis other addicts show me it will be ok as long as i avoid the first one, that will ultimately lead to more clusterfuck. 

 I dont want to forget how i got here and never forget how i felt 24/1/2013 the morning after my last use up - painfully suicidal - just for today i don't want to die.

take it eezzee world, sweet dreams and see you tomorrow. xxx ;-)

 

 Saturday 12/07/2014 - 23:18

   Mood - Fekin blown away!

 Ok where do i start?  You know i have been doin recovery meetings for nearly five and a half years and it has taken that long to get almost 18 months clean - with a year in rehab - and i keep hearing people say that they met someone who used like them, they saw that person in meetings so they know recovery works, ok?
 So what happens when you get recovery but not in your own hometown where you used with people ?
 I'll tell ya what happens - maybe - or rather i'll tell you whats has happened to me? !
 Tonite i am doing my usual bit of service at a local meeting - all good so far - good humble honest chair - still all good - i notice this bloke as he's sharing back? seems familiar? probably seen him in meetings? So meeting ends and this bloke comes over and says he recognizes me from somewhere but this is the first meeting he's seen me in?
 Ok this is getting fekin weird cos he looks vaquely familiar and it aint from meetings in london? Bit of panic and flashbacks kick in so he then mentions my hometown - which aint london even tho i was born here i grew up elsewhere? I grab some cups and go to the kitchen, kinda think ' fuck what am i going to do cos this dont feel good at all?'
 So i go back to meeting room and the bloke asks my last name? - FUCK WHAT HAVE I DONE IN MY ACTIVE LIFE?? FUCK?
 It turns out we were in the same kids home together at aged 14? we used to hate each other to the point of rows and kick offs most of the time or avoiding each other.
 Turns out he is 12 years clean and running the department of an agency that i want to get involved with to do recovery work behind the door - ( prison ) - FUKADOODLEDOO ! now that is some weird heebie jeebie shit right there - or in recovery speak ' higher power heebie jeebie shit '
 We then went for a curry and caught up on the last 18 years ??
 I wrote this guy off for dead? he used like me and he is sitting in front of me eating curry and telling me about his fekin allotment? ? What the fuck ? This bloke was an angry nutter like me ?
  NOW I CAN SHOUT ' PERSONALLY I HAVE MET SOMEONE WHO USED LIKE ME AND IS FUKIN CLEAN FOR TIME - MARRIED AND HAS A GREAT LIFE CLEAN !!!! '
 Thank my higher power that i kept coming back to get the reality of tonite - when i talk to my higher power tonite it's going to be emotional.
 The list of people who we grew up with that are now dead due to active addiction is long and we spoke and remembered alot together tonite in that curry house.
 Know i dont now if anyone is struggling but try and do everything you can not to be on the list of dead active addicts -
 If i die tonite i will be a dead addict but i will be a clean dead addict!
 Now thats the way to die as an addict - not with a pin in your arm or groin or foot if your veins have gone - or of a crack induced heart attack FUCK THAT DUDERS!
 I wanna die clean !

 p.s  - sorry for the emotional stuff but i am passionate and reinvigorated for recovery.
 A day at a time we are all walking miracles