You see i have had one of those days classic to any addict.
Currently i am living in a third stage house after my year - well 361 day stint in rehab my first one, and i am still jealous of people that get to do three or four rehabs? if they live past the first one i guess? - ( one of the guys in here is a cock, he was a cock in rehab and he is still a cock. ) but that is a minor irritation which i will have to live with for at least another 18 months.
So anyway, woke to a txt off a beautiful woman from my old manor, whilst i was in my manor i was doing a fellowship from which all others have been born from - bearing in mind i was stoned as feck and snorting various substances maintaining to those around me i was sober ? ? (yeah i know hindsight is a wonderful thing ), she's been really struggling but now she's doing whats suggested. So after reading txt my heads off and running planning wedding and celebrating birth of our first child ?
Then i do what my sponser has suggested - just for today card, daily suggestions, kind of have chat with my higher power - something i swore i'd never do in recovery? but saying that what was it that happened on saturday ? ( see previous entry ) if that wasn't higher power heebie jeebie spoooky shit then i dont know what it was.
Started off a good day really, full of fantasy and a dash of reality when i checked in with my therapist who was stoked to see me actually see what things are really. Still blows my mind that a hopeless addict like me has a chance of doing this stuff for a living behind the prison doors? I have walked into prison a few times but not out on the same day you see.
It's weird living two lives in one ?
Still miss my daughter tho and that really hurts until i close down the emotional side of it and up comes the defenses again, stone cold ice king that no-one can hurt or upset. I hope that when i get my 18mnth keyring in 6 days i do send one to her with just a note about what the last 6 months have given me. I am expecting a backlash but i can't do nothing, maybe i'll include a note to her mum to? explaining and appologising for bein such a dick. Iguess i'll run that one by my sponser when i speack to him tomorrow?
I am tired of the guilt, remorse and seeming futility of recovery, but i know that someone is going to benefit in the future and that is the main driving force of my recovery and for now until i like myself abit that will do for now.
Despite all the bitching i know it's doable because on a daily basis other addicts show me it will be ok as long as i avoid the first one, that will ultimately lead to more clusterfuck.
I dont want to forget how i got here and never forget how i felt 24/1/2013 the morning after my last use up - painfully suicidal - just for today i don't want to die.
take it eezzee world, sweet dreams and see you tomorrow. xxx ;-)
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