two weeeks later?

Well whats been going on and who gives a monkeys? Well completed my step one for my recovery, doing my 12 step through the green and gold of NA, bit more in depth but it cuts to the heart of me as an addict and i've seen it work for others that are like me in their using so why not?
My latest obsession is box sets online, currrently doing 24 series again just to catchup on the previous 8 series?
Kinda getting in abit of a rut in everyday life really, if i can get to two years clean then i can do some training for R.A.P.T which deals with recovery in prisons. Gotta be someone that can benefit from it?
Really struggling with non realationship with my daughter as she wants nothing to do with me? I hear people sharing about families in meetings and i just want to get some of them, slap them and scream how lucky they are to have families in their lives.
But i think i leave those conversations in my head and not out loud as i want to get rid of the angry persona that i've always had 'cos maybe thats a good mask to use when your using but . . when you get abit of recovery i realise that it's kinda not the best way to interact in a clean recovery world. Pain in the arse sometimes changing old habits you know?
Still got a few monthes to get to two years clean but it seems doable tho, be weird tho going into prison and walking out on the same day, never done that before, kinda walked into a few and stayed awhile, well apart from visiting mates that got themselves caught, so yeah that'll be weird.
Still single although i do have a crush on someone who is local to me meetings wise and in home location? just have to take it easy i spose? she's got a lovely french accent that sounds sooooooo ssseeeexxxxyyyy it's doing my nuts in?
Any way hope fully chat soon?
Take it eeezzeee world, be lucky be happy ;-)

TAGS: welcome

Thursday 1 May 2014

Well my saying of the day for today is ' same shit different year'.
I have worked hard on my recovery and yet i miss being acctive so i can avoid emotional pain. So instead i am pushing through the pain and carrying on trying to rebuild my life.
Tomorrow i am going to be helping out ( for a second week in sucession ) at a drop-in helping serve lunch and making sandwiches for still active homeless addicts. It reminds me of where i was before my stint in rehab, alone, desperate to die, hating coming to and realising the treadmill of acctive addiction was still very much there and waiting for my inevitable first step to get the thing going again - despite every fibre in my being hating the inevitable outcome.
This last week i had got a txt off my daughter telling me that no-one wants to know anything about me or where i am today! That hurt more than the years of abuse as a child put together, as a child i could shut down and go on autopilot cos i didnt know any better, today i do know better and i haven't got the drugs to escape into and avoid this stuff that i am feeling. All i can do is get this stuff down on here so in time i can look back and read what i've done and how i've come through it and maybe, just maybe me going through stuff will give someone else the hope that despite their best thinking it is doable to get a day clean and not to act out in escaping and facing what life throws at you and being stronger for it.
Painful as it is today with help i am choosing not to put my foot on the treadmill, thank fuck for NA and all my predecessors cos without there hard won experience and their honesty? Thank you to Bill W, Doctor Bob and by no means least Doctor William D. Silkworth, and all the people who they had in there lives who helped them achieve all that they have - wives, parents and loved ones - even tho you are no longer with us in person i know that i am not alone in saying thankyou from the depthes of my soul, you have given me a little spark of hope and i hope and pray that the spark will grow to an inferno.
Tomorrows another day and i am going to put a little bit of good back into the world and that will give me just a bit of selfworth against the fear and shame of my past spoilt relationships and who knows? One day i might get txt off my daughter saying she is proud of the man i am becoming in recovery, well maybe? x