• LOCATION: London, England
• MOOD: Clean, Grateful, Tired to
• 31 August 2014, 21:06
  Ok so why is it that i am so shit at keeping this up to date?
  Loadsa stuff has happened since last spoke. Still clean tho and that’s the main thing innit? Don,t know why the question mark maybe because me staying clean still is not a definate given in the scheme of things.
  See that’s the worst thing about being me, it ain’t ever a given. I have to do the work and then i get the results i want to achieve, why would i think it would ever be different?
  Anyway to get up to date - got a sponsor and got to get to my fourth step and then it went completely tits up! My sponsor went away on holiday for a week and gave me his sponsor’s number so i could stay in daily contact and run things by him? sounds good so far? - so after a week of doing the whole checking in, regular service, regular meetings, daily suggestions, just for today card … etc the subject of me doing councelling for my P.T.S.D ( which was properly assessed by a competent and qualified mental health professional ) came up! (Something i take for granted maybe but i believe it is the right thing to be doing - simple you would think?).
  So we end up having a chat later that evening and my sponsor’s sponsor gives me his opinion on my mental health problem? Yeah you got it that really worked - not. The outcome of our conversation was that when my sponsor came back off holiday he was advised to respectfully drop me as a sponsee? Just as i am getting into my step four which is pretty heavy as it touches on issues that fuck with my head. So i am stuck on step four, in the problem and not the solution but i am not going out on the strength of it, in-fact my tenacious stubborness wont even consider walking out of recovery to smash myself some more. I have surrendered my addiction and i don’t want to go another few rounds with my addict. My experience shows me i need to throw the towel in the ring before i get in it to go toe to toe again. Now that’s my personal growth with the help of N.A and its principles.
  The positive thing that I have taken out of that episode of my recovery is that it gives me more chances of helping other addicts when other addicts can’t - i.e when i get to sponsor people i will not sugar coat abusing meds and self medicating but also maybe i can sponsor other addicts with P.TS.D
  You see people like that are feking dangerous for any one in recovery, but as the saying goes ’ Opinions are like arse-holes - Every ones got one.
  I believe it to be irresponsible for anyone in recovery to judge someone else’s mental health and medication, in the past i missed an appointment to see my psychiatrist and missed my prescribed meds, - which i am not abusing or using in an addicts way to avoid reality. Now sleepers that’s another story altogether, i do get huge bouts of insomnia and sleepers would give my mind and body much needed sleep, but i know that if i was having a shit day i would abuse them and self medicate, instead i get little sleep which four out of seven nights includes dreams of systematic childhood abuse nightmares, in which i end up revisiting what really happened years ago - so anyway for three weeks i missed my meds and my thought process was full of psychotic plans of revenge on my abusers and lots of self harming thoughts and even rational thinking of suicide?
  It took a few months to build up the level of meds again to even things out. People noticed and commented on my change in behaviours in meetings and were glad when things kicked in again and i became calm and manageable again
  Since that episode i have kept up my volunteering commitments, and things are going pretty well.
  Where i volunteer on a Friday evening in a recovery community i have got more responsibilities.
  I am currently enrolled on a Health and Social Care course and this coming week i will send off for my enhanced criminal record check in the full knowledge that my previous criminal activities in active addiction will actually stand me in good stead to do work as part of a D.I.P team or working as part of a team that go and do recovery in prisons, hospitals or rehabs.
  All of this is possible because of N.A. and not the opinion of some of it’s members who have forgotten how many days and not years they have in recovery,. Especially those that are not medical professionals.MUSIC: Pearl Jam