Well hello world, kinda feeling distant in recovery. Felt like this for awhile, i am having therapy for childhood issues which range from physical beatings by my adoptive mother - she was a complete cunt psycho bitch, she used to give subtle clues to impending beatings by chewing the corner of her lip, when we saw that we knew it was countdown to pain. I think that the therapy is bringing it all back and i haven't even started on the sexual abuse yet, in fact it is only C.B.T. at the moment until the trauma based stuff comes in when my appointment comes through - oh the joy of recalling being part of a ring of abusers, some of whom my adopted mother knew? social workers and people who ran the cubs n scout movement who also fostered other kids to? some are still alive n fucked n others who are dead due to addiction.
Because step four includes resentments with people i have felt the need to put step work on hold - hence feeling distant from recovery. All i am hearing at the moment is how good people feel for doing the steps n i feel fucked, jealous n alone? I don't feel able to share where i am at n if i do the meeting goes so quiet you can hear people breathing?
Options are to carry on as best i can with service, reaching out to newcomers, carry on with my college course, maintain contact with my daughter clean or use, end up in a tent again and kill myself or just kill myself? Decisions decisions - ?
The worst of it is tho the courses i am doing will lead me to work with young adults who have turned to addiction to resolve their issues - exactly what i did? So to be authentic n be the real deal i have to go through the fucking process to be of best use to them? That is the only thing that is keeping me going through this time n it fucking hurts.
Feel like a one armed man hanging off the edge of a cliff with an itchy arsehole - do i let go n scratch the itch or hang on till the itch goes or becomes bearable?
Fuckit another day clean.
sweet dreams world dont give into the nightmares n carry on spinning :-/ x
