Friday 18th July 2014, 22:00  - mood ? bored  - music ? The Levellers

 You see i have had one of those days classic to any addict. 

 Currently i am living in a third stage house after my year - well 361 day stint in rehab my first one,  and i am still jealous of people that get to do three or four rehabs? if they live past the first one i guess? - ( one of the guys in here is a cock, he was a cock in rehab and he is still a cock. ) but that is a minor irritation which i will have to live with for at least another 18 months.

 So anyway, woke to a txt off a beautiful woman from my old manor, whilst i was in my manor i was doing a fellowship from which all others have been born from - bearing in mind i was stoned as feck and snorting various substances maintaining to those around me i was sober ? ?  (yeah i know hindsight is a wonderful thing ), she's been really struggling but now she's doing whats suggested. So after reading txt my heads off and running planning wedding and celebrating birth of our first child ? 

 Then i do what my sponser has suggested - just for today card, daily suggestions, kind of have chat with my higher power - something i swore i'd never do in recovery? but saying that what was it that happened on saturday ? ( see previous entry ) if that wasn't higher power heebie jeebie spoooky shit then i dont know what it was.

 Started off a good day really, full of fantasy and a dash of reality when i checked in with my therapist who was stoked to see me actually see what things are really. Still blows my mind that a hopeless addict like me has a chance of doing this stuff for a living behind the prison doors?  I have walked into prison a few times but not out on the same day you see.

 It's weird living two lives in one ? 

 Still miss my daughter tho and that really hurts until i close down the emotional side of it and up comes the defenses again, stone cold ice king that no-one can hurt or upset. I hope that when i get my 18mnth keyring in 6 days i do send one to her with just a note about what the last 6 months have given me. I am expecting a backlash but i can't do nothing, maybe i'll include a note to her mum to? explaining and appologising for bein such a dick. Iguess i'll run that one by my sponser when i speack to him tomorrow?

 I am tired of the guilt, remorse and seeming futility of recovery, but i know that someone is going to benefit in the future and that is the main driving force of my recovery and for now until i like myself abit that will do for now. 

 Despite all the bitching i know it's doable because on a daily basis other addicts show me it will be ok as long as i avoid the first one, that will ultimately lead to more clusterfuck. 

 I dont want to forget how i got here and never forget how i felt 24/1/2013 the morning after my last use up - painfully suicidal - just for today i don't want to die.

take it eezzee world, sweet dreams and see you tomorrow. xxx ;-)

 

 Saturday 12/07/2014 - 23:18

   Mood - Fekin blown away!

 Ok where do i start?  You know i have been doin recovery meetings for nearly five and a half years and it has taken that long to get almost 18 months clean - with a year in rehab - and i keep hearing people say that they met someone who used like them, they saw that person in meetings so they know recovery works, ok?
 So what happens when you get recovery but not in your own hometown where you used with people ?
 I'll tell ya what happens - maybe - or rather i'll tell you whats has happened to me? !
 Tonite i am doing my usual bit of service at a local meeting - all good so far - good humble honest chair - still all good - i notice this bloke as he's sharing back? seems familiar? probably seen him in meetings? So meeting ends and this bloke comes over and says he recognizes me from somewhere but this is the first meeting he's seen me in?
 Ok this is getting fekin weird cos he looks vaquely familiar and it aint from meetings in london? Bit of panic and flashbacks kick in so he then mentions my hometown - which aint london even tho i was born here i grew up elsewhere? I grab some cups and go to the kitchen, kinda think ' fuck what am i going to do cos this dont feel good at all?'
 So i go back to meeting room and the bloke asks my last name? - FUCK WHAT HAVE I DONE IN MY ACTIVE LIFE?? FUCK?
 It turns out we were in the same kids home together at aged 14? we used to hate each other to the point of rows and kick offs most of the time or avoiding each other.
 Turns out he is 12 years clean and running the department of an agency that i want to get involved with to do recovery work behind the door - ( prison ) - FUKADOODLEDOO ! now that is some weird heebie jeebie shit right there - or in recovery speak ' higher power heebie jeebie shit '
 We then went for a curry and caught up on the last 18 years ??
 I wrote this guy off for dead? he used like me and he is sitting in front of me eating curry and telling me about his fekin allotment? ? What the fuck ? This bloke was an angry nutter like me ?
  NOW I CAN SHOUT ' PERSONALLY I HAVE MET SOMEONE WHO USED LIKE ME AND IS FUKIN CLEAN FOR TIME - MARRIED AND HAS A GREAT LIFE CLEAN !!!! '
 Thank my higher power that i kept coming back to get the reality of tonite - when i talk to my higher power tonite it's going to be emotional.
 The list of people who we grew up with that are now dead due to active addiction is long and we spoke and remembered alot together tonite in that curry house.
 Know i dont now if anyone is struggling but try and do everything you can not to be on the list of dead active addicts -
 If i die tonite i will be a dead addict but i will be a clean dead addict!
 Now thats the way to die as an addict - not with a pin in your arm or groin or foot if your veins have gone - or of a crack induced heart attack FUCK THAT DUDERS!
 I wanna die clean !

 p.s  - sorry for the emotional stuff but i am passionate and reinvigorated for recovery.
 A day at a time we are all walking miracles

psycogremlin (psycogremlin) wrote,
2014-06-11 20:41:00

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• LOCATION: London, England
• MOOD: Clean, Grateful, Tired to
• MUSIC: Pearl Jam

Well hello world, how have you been? Things here are going ok i guess. Although still no contact with family after my rehab stint? Powerless over people placees and things i guess? Well no guessing i know that to be true.
Had an ok day tho, did my first online meeting with peeps from across the pond -why does that saying go like that? Atlantic ocean is fecking big pond - any way, yeah first online meeting? Went well really, this stuff still blows me away tho, a whole world with people that think, obsese and use drugs the way i did - wow thats weird i typed that in past sense? Although i dare say that if i were to pick up today i would take off the way i did in active addiction, still miss the ability to have a quick pint and spliff to take the edge off the world. But i have firm grasp of my step one and the insanity of a quick beer - probably due to the fact that it'd always be followed by another, then another etc. . . .
I am going to apply to college to take a course in Health and Social Care to help me in the future endeavor of helping others stuck in the web of active addiction and let them know that there is a way out from the insanity.
Kinda been thinking of the stigma of addiction tho really, only 'cos i did a few one day courses around drugs, referal processes and domestic violence to get an insite on how diferent agencies in London get together to assess and help people, also because i am doing some volunteer at a drop-in, which focuses on the homeless, bottom rung of the addiction ladder.
It's weird how a bad choice here or there can label you in the eyes of the regular public in this country - unless your a celeberty? Well some of them.
 So thats my thoughts for the day and in general. Going to cook a curry now so i'll sign off till next time.
 Take it eeezzeee and be lucky. xx

TAGS: recovery and life in general, recovery blog

• LOCATION: London, England
• MOOD: awake
• MUSIC: eminem/linkin park

two weeeks later?

Well whats been going on and who gives a monkeys? Well completed my step one for my recovery, doing my 12 step through the green and gold of NA, bit more in depth but it cuts to the heart of me as an addict and i've seen it work for others that are like me in their using so why not?
My latest obsession is box sets online, currrently doing 24 series again just to catchup on the previous 8 series?
Kinda getting in abit of a rut in everyday life really, if i can get to two years clean then i can do some training for R.A.P.T which deals with recovery in prisons. Gotta be someone that can benefit from it?
Really struggling with non realationship with my daughter as she wants nothing to do with me? I hear people sharing about families in meetings and i just want to get some of them, slap them and scream how lucky they are to have families in their lives.
But i think i leave those conversations in my head and not out loud as i want to get rid of the angry persona that i've always had 'cos maybe thats a good mask to use when your using but . . when you get abit of recovery i realise that it's kinda not the best way to interact in a clean recovery world. Pain in the arse sometimes changing old habits you know?
Still got a few monthes to get to two years clean but it seems doable tho, be weird tho going into prison and walking out on the same day, never done that before, kinda walked into a few and stayed awhile, well apart from visiting mates that got themselves caught, so yeah that'll be weird.
Still single although i do have a crush on someone who is local to me meetings wise and in home location? just have to take it easy i spose? she's got a lovely french accent that sounds sooooooo ssseeeexxxxyyyy it's doing my nuts in?
Any way hope fully chat soon?
Take it eeezzeee world, be lucky be happy ;-)

TAGS: welcome

Well my saying of the day for today is ' same shit different year'.
 I have worked hard on my recovery and yet i miss being acctive so i can avoid emotional pain. So instead i am pushing through the pain and carrying on trying to rebuild my life.
 Tomorrow i am going to be helping out ( for a second week in sucession ) at a drop-in helping serve lunch and making sandwiches for still active homeless addicts. It reminds me of where i was before my stint in rehab, alone, desperate to die, hating coming to and realising the treadmill of acctive addiction was still very much there and waiting for my inevitable first step to get the thing going again - despite every fibre in my being hating the inevitable outcome.
 This last week i had got a txt off my daughter telling me that no-one wants to know anything about me or where i am today! That hurt more than the years of abuse as a child put together, as a child i could shut down and go on autopilot cos i didnt know any better, today i do know better and i haven't got the drugs to escape into and avoid this stuff that i am feeling. All i can do is get this stuff down on here so in time i can look back and read what i've done and how i've come through it and maybe, just maybe me going through stuff will give someone else the hope that despite their best thinking it is doable to get a day clean and not to act out in escaping and facing what life throws at you and being stronger for it.
 Painful as it is today with help i am choosing not to put my foot on the treadmill, thank fuck for NA and all my predecessors cos without there hard won experience and their honesty? Thank you to Bill W, Doctor Bob and by no means least Doctor William D. Silkworth, and all the people who they had in there lives who helped them achieve all that they have - wives, parents and loved ones - even tho you are no longer with us in person i know that i am not alone in saying thankyou from the depthes of my soul, you have given me a little spark of hope and i hope and pray that the spark will grow to an inferno.
 Tomorrows another day and i am going to put a little bit of good back into the world and that will give me just a bit of selfworth against the fear and shame of my past spoilt relationships and who knows? One day i might get txt off my daughter saying she is proud of the man i am becoming in recovery, well maybe? x

hello world,
Whats the best thing about recovery? being able to deal with emotional pain clean 'n' sober!
Whats the worst thing about recovery? having to deal woth emotional pain clean 'n' sober, the only thoughts that are going through my mind are using thoughts  -  then i have a horrible rational voice thats telling me what i'll loose if i use  -  then i have the fukit thought  -  then rational?  AAAAARRRRGGGHH my head is a war zone. Consequences of my past kickin me in the face and stomping on my bollox!
you see, an average jo is capable of having a couple of shots of booze to take the edge off, maybe a couple of spliffs if that floats your boat, but the reality for me is that i want a case of J.D, a crate of stella and an ounce of weed to sort out this little episode of reality, well others reality and not mine, apparently that aint recreational drug use?
 Reality is that some people dont ever get there families back in there life whilst getting recovery and thats all there is to it. All you do is dont pikup, skinup or snort up or jack up? why have i got a meercat in my mind saying ' simples?
Apart from my head tho i got to a good meeting tonite, someone who was as stubborn as i was for a while has conceeded that he can't beat his addiction on his own and is reaching out! only taken him 10yrs - so maybe i ain't that fuked up? it only took me? no hang on reality check - i needed recovery from aged 13 when it really kicked off for me, i hate that rational thinking.
 hopefully i'll get my head on the pillow clean again and tomorrow repeat what i did today, dont pickup or skinup or hit a policeman to get some physical pain to match the emotional pain?
 is there such thing as an emotional S and M club? if there is let me know. x
 sweet dreams n chat soon x

Well it's Sunday morning and it aint sunny in the weather or my head? Well it's raining in London and i want to run away from myself. I asked someone to be my sponser last week and today is the day of meeting up and agreeing the process? AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH fekin reality.
 He's 30 years clean? yeah 30 years guys and girls? Good man and humble enough to still make tea/coffee at meeting and sets meetings up?
 Yesterdays just for today quiet ironic really - being prepared to put in the footwork? i want to go back to bed and have duvet day with series of 24 to escape reality.
 Instead i'm GOING TO shower, coffee, get stepworking guide and grab live by the balls and do it? meetup, go to meeting, do service commitment, do lunch at bricklane after then do mens meeting at 7.30 and share my fear. Options i have today due to not being in active addiction?
 speak soon. x